School anxiety is something many families encounter, yet it can be difficult to recognise, especially when children can’t quite put their worries into words. From tearful drop-offs in the early years to avoidance and overwhelm in adolescence, anxiety around school can show up in different ways at every stage. Here, Dr Emily Crosby, Child and Educational Psychologist, explains the signs to look for, what may be driving the rise in school anxiety, and how parents can offer calm, practical support at home.
Many parents hear the term “school anxiety” but aren’t sure what it really means. How does it typically show up in children of different ages?
School anxiety refers to any feelings of anxiety a child or young person may experience due to school related factors, the experience of attending school or separation from parents or the home environment which causes the child to then not want to attend school. For younger children this can often present when seperating from a parent or caregiver at drop off time and for older children this may be avoidance and distracting behaviours when carrying out the typical school routine in the mornings or difficulties with settling at night time. School anxiety is often exacerbated on Sundays, at the beginning or end of term when children are feeling exhausted. School anxiety can be very typical at transition points especially when there’s a new term, upcoming holiday, change in class teacher, year group or even school.
What are the early warning signs that a child may be struggling with anxiety around school, especially when they can’t yet articulate their feelings?
There may be a change in a child’s appetite, struggles with sleeping or less enjoyment in their usual preferable activities. Some children may become quiet and withdrawn and isolate themselves from peer interactions. There may be an increase in some of their undesirable behaviours at home that are not usually there. Often children cannot articulate this so it’s important to always be curious and explore behaviours.
Is school anxiety becoming more common, and if so, what do you think is driving this increase?
Yes, in the most recent years school anxiety has increased. I do feel the covid-19 pandemic played a huge role in this however I feel the increased working from home for parents as a result has made children want to be at home with them more as they have easier access to parents before. As well as this for some children all their entertainment through technology is at home. For some young people who may be neurodiverse, school does not always support their needs appropriately and effectively due to the busy, loud classrooms and increased demands, especially in secondary school. The curriculum is not necessarily set up for young people’s new career plans which are often focused around online platforms such as gaming and youtubing therefore school does not feel meaningful to them. There are huge pressures on teachers, young people and parents set by the government and policies which often divert away from the fundamental emotional and social support for children and young people. Students are not necessarily learning the life skills they need for adulthood such as financial, relationship and physical health.
How can parents tell the difference between normal back-to-school nerves and something that needs more support?
It is totally normal to feel worried about going back to school and it is important that we normalise this and do not over react. Children have spent time with their loved ones, more access to family and their favourite things so separation can feel difficult. However if this begins to persist over a consistent period of time such as a few months then more support may be required especially if this impacts on their every day life and wellbeing.
Friendship issues often sit beneath school anxiety. How can parents support children who are struggling socially without stepping in too quickly?
Friendship breakdowns are extremely normal and are a huge part of development. It is crucial that parents are not too reactive and support their child in understanding other people’s perspectives. Parents should speak with their children about why they think the other child may be having a hard time to help them to understand why they may have possibly been unkind. Parents must always take time to notice whether there are key patterns and be curious about their own child’s difficulties. Often children may be communicating an internal difficulty through their social interactions. Parents could model or advise on ways their children could repair any friendship breakdowns by problem solving and giving them some examples from their own experiences. I would always advise sitting on any fallouts for a little amount of time and then speaking with the school if necessary at that point.
What role do parents’ own emotions and reactions play in either easing or unintentionally reinforcing a child’s anxiety?
Anxiety feeds anxiety and it is very normal as a parent to be worried about your child’s school experiences and their anxiety. It comes from a place of protection however if a parent becomes too anxious this can then feed their child’s anxiety. Of course it is important to model positive wellbeing tools in managing your own anxiety however parents need to ensure that they do not over share as they need to protect their children from too much anxiety to a certain degree. Often parents own experiences of education and their childhood can subconsciously be projected onto their child’s so it’s important to be aware of this and seek support for their own anxiety if necessary.
Are there practical strategies parents can use at home to help build emotional resilience and confidence around school?
A great tool is to put aside some designated time each day or week which can be at the same time for a short period for example 10-20 minutes each day or each week at the same time where a parent is there to listen to their child’s worries and difficulties at school. If talking is difficult you can try journalling or using play to act out situations that may be worrying the child. It’s important to always validate and normalise your child’s emotions before problem solving. Sometimes children just need the reassurance to know that their worries are normal and things will be ok. It is crucial to have clear expectations and boundaries and normalise hard times for children whilst providing space for their emotions. Children need to feel heard and often in today’s busy lives through no fault of parent’s at all it can be hard for children to feel this. By doing these things children feel important, seen and heard which ultimately increases their emotional resilience and confidence.
How should parents approach conversations with teachers or schools when anxiety is affecting attendance or learning?
It’s important that a no-blame approach is taken at all times. When there are lots of emotions and tensions it is easy for us to project our worries onto other people which often tends to be the school or teachers. However this is not helpful as teachers and schools are also under a lot of pressure and this just adds more friction which ultimately negatively impacts the child further. Approach the conversation with empathy and an openness to work in a collaborative way with the school and teachers.
When should parents consider seeking professional help, and what kind of support is usually most effective?
If the problems have been occuring consistently for a period of 3 months and have significantly impacted on the child’s overall wellbeing then it is important to seek advice from school who may be able to refer to some of their professional resources or speak with your GP. Sometimes some minor adjustments in the school or home setting can be enough with some extra pastoral support in school which may be some extra check ins and slight reduction of demands for a child to feel a little better again.
For parents reading this who are feeling worried or overwhelmed, what’s the most important message you’d want them to take away?
Remember anxiety is normal and we can’t make it go away necessarily, it helps us survive, function and reach our goals, but we can support ourselves and our children with developing tools to help manage it and navigate the normal difficulties with everyday life. It’s important not to over catastrophize but to normalise school anxiety whilst also reinforcing clear routines and expectations and boundaries with attending school. This can be a tricky balance but with a balanced perspective hopefully creates some balance- it doesn’t go away overnight but it’s those little steps you take that make all the difference!
See more expert advice here.
