The first few months with a new baby can be equal parts magical and overwhelming and almost always completely unlike the picture-perfect version of motherhood we often see online.
After more than a decade working with new mums and babies, Millie Poppins knows just how much pressure parents can put on themselves. Now a mum herself, the baby care expert shares a refreshingly honest perspective on those early months, from why there is no such thing as a “bad sleeper” to trusting your maternal instinct, letting go of the “shoulds” and finding reassurance when you’re awake with your baby at 3am.
Millie Poppins on What New Mums Really Need to Know About the First Few Months
You’ve spent more than a decade working with new mums and babies. What’s the biggest misconception about those first few months that you’d love to put right?
The idea that it should all feel natural and instinctive. Those first few months can feel incredibly disorientating and that is absolutely normal. We see so much content online with these sweet little babies dozing peacefully in their moses baskets when the reality is that they rarely want to be put down and need you constantly. This is the norm and I wish more mothers and parents in general were prepared for it, mentally and also logistically, with how they set up their home, stock the fridge and prep close family and friends to help if needed.
Has becoming a mum changed the way you think about the advice you give to other mothers?
I am definitely more aware of leading with reassurance now rather than information. If someone is struggling to introduce a bottle before their return to work I would have previously given them all the practical tips and advice, but now letting them know that it is normal, a common struggle and that they haven’t created this issue themselves is key. I have found that most of the time you just want to be listened to empathetically rather than told do this or do that.
Did your professional knowledge make those first few months easier? Or did it sometimes make you overthink things more?
Yes! I am very grateful that all in all my professional experience and knowledge had us well set up with all of the actually useful kit (big shout out to the Rock-it, Etta Loves sensory strip and BabyBjörn mini) and I definitely felt more at ease when she was asleep and we rested too. We definitely weren’t a couple who always had someone awake at all times, which I know many first time parents do. I knew she was okay in her safe sleep space and the little sighs and groans and winces were normal.
My career background definitely helped me relax and enjoy the first few months, although I had terrible anxiety which I wasn’t really prepared for. Knowledge gave me the facts, but it didn’t switch off my instinct to incessantly worry.
Is there really such a thing as a “good sleeper” or a “bad sleeper”, or have we become too obsessed with categorising babies by their sleep?
Everyone will have a different opinion on what is considered a bad or good sleeper. Is it a six hour stretch? A baby who falls asleep independently and sleeps in their cot? Is it a baby who takes predictable naps at the same time each day? Sleep is always going to be a hot topic and I am asked about it every day. There’s no such thing as a bad baby in any aspect, I believe. They are just doing what they naturally do. I do think we need to rule out underlying issues that could be making them uncomfortable and therefore impacting sleep, and then support the parents to navigate this.
What about routines? When should parents start thinking about establishing one, and how can they create a routine without feeling like they’re living by the clock?
Professionally I have always strived to have a strict routine by 12 weeks, but this is what my UHNW clients expect when they’re paying thousands of pounds per week to have their baby well cared for.
For the rest of us (myself included) it’s really personal and different for each family dynamic. For example if you have older children it might not be possible to follow set nap times each day as the older siblings have various activities at different times.
If anything I do think it’s useful to implement an evening routine by around 8 weeks: into a darker room around 7pm, feed, bath or wash down with a warm cloth, play some lovely relaxing music, pyjamas, swaddle, feed again. But then what worked for us was to bring our baby back out into the living room once she was asleep and have a contact nap while eating dinner and watching Bake Off reruns. We totally romanticised that time of day as a new family of three, and then once she woke for the next feed around 10pm we would go to bed.
As baby grows I’d just keep a gentle eye on your baby’s natural awake window. You can find guides online but really all babies are different. You will soon notice a pattern and you can prep them to fall asleep without getting too fractious. And this absolutely doesn’t mean putting them in their cot and walking away, it might mean popping them in the sling, the car, feeding to sleep, going for a long walk and so on.
Feeding can be another huge source of pressure for new mums. What would you say to a mother who feels she’s somehow “failing” because feeding isn’t going according to plan?
The fact that you care so much shows that you’re not failing at all. The system fails us. Breastfeeding is highly personal and private, yet we need to feel supported, encouraged and have direction. Yes it’s natural in many ways, but it is still a huge learning curve for both mother and baby. Historically women were around other women who breastfed, it was part of normal life to witness. Mothers even fed each other’s babies. Now we are often left with a tiny newborn, broken from the marathon of birth, with cracked nipples and a screaming baby, and just a phone number to call.
I remember calling a breastfeeding helpline in the early weeks and not even being able to get my words out because I was crying so much. It can be rough. The support is out there but it can be hard to find. My advice would be to really think about feeding before your baby arrives. We prepare so much for labour and birth, and just on the other side of that is another huge journey that needs planning. List the useful numbers, buy whatever kit you might need (Amazon is returnable up to 60 days!), talk to your partner and support people about what you want from your feeding journey so that they can encourage you on the hard days.
And in the end, how your baby feeds is not a reflection on you as a mother.
You talk a lot about trusting your maternal intuition. What can mums do when their instincts seem to be at odds with advice from friends, family, social media or even parenting books?
This is honestly the whole ethos I’ve built my career on. When advice is coming at you from every direction, I always come back to one simple filter: does this make me feel calmer and more connected to my baby, or does it make me feel more anxious and disconnected? That’s usually the tell.
Take everything you’re given as an option, never an order. You’re allowed to take what serves you and your family and leave the rest, no explanation needed. Friends, family, social media and every parenting book out there mean well, truly, but none of them are in the room with you at 3am. You are. You are the expert on your baby, even on the days it doesn’t feel like it.
You’ve spoken about the “shoulds” of motherhood. What are some of the biggest “shoulds” you hear from mums? And what would you replace them with?
Oh, this is a big one for me, should is a swear word in my house. The shoulds I hear most are that baby should be sleeping through by a certain age, that you should feel back to normal by six weeks, that you should love every single moment, that you should be breastfeeding, that you should have a routine by a certain number of weeks etc.
I want to replace every single one of those with permission instead. You get to do this your way. There is no timeline. Your baby, your choice, always. The shoulds come from comparison, and comparison will rob you of the moments you actually have with your baby. Peace comes from tuning into your own baby and your own capacity.
Has becoming a mum changed the way you view “mum guilt”?
I knew that it was a huge thing for women but experiencing it myself is next level. I feel guilty for the most mundane things, like has she been in the bouncer too long today, is sleeping in the car bad for her neck, I haven’t eaten a vegetable today what if she’s not getting enough nutrients. It is constant. But at the end of the day I remind myself that she is so loved and cared for, I am always here for her, and the absolute best thing for her is that we are together. Guilt often shows up exactly where you care the most. It’s evidence of love, not evidence of failure.
Finally, if you could give an exhausted new mum one piece of reassurance at 3am, what would you tell her?
That these moments don’t last forever, and you will genuinely miss the nighttime quiet cuddles. Often it is not the baby being awake and needing us that is the stressful part, it’s the endless to do list in our head that will be made harder on less sleep. We are thinking ahead to how long the day ahead is going to be and the dread starts to seep in.
If I am awake in the night and really struggling I text my partner, even though he’s asleep next to me, and just give him a heads up that we are having a rough night. I also give him specific ways he can help, as men are more logical and practical and a “can you cook a roast chicken when you finish work and put the laundry away on your lunch break” is more useful than a “tonight is a shit show.” I often combine both though!
I also found that night time scrolling is bad for my mental health. For one, our devices emit blue light so that is not conducive to quality sleep and falling back to sleep quickly once baby is settled. But also it gets your head spinning and comparing and thinking. I love my Kindle in the night as it allows me to remain calm, consciously and subconsciously.
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