When you have a newborn, it can feel as though every conversation about sleep is centred on one person: the baby. How long they’re sleeping, when they’re waking, whether they’re napping… and whether you’re doing enough to help them sleep. But what about Mum?
Those early weeks and months can be relentless, with broken nights, feeding, recovering from birth and the huge adjustment of caring for a tiny new person. And while disrupted sleep is an inevitable part of newborn life, that doesn’t mean Mum’s own rest and wellbeing should be forgotten.
We speak to Rosey Davidson, Infant Sleep Consultant and founder of Just Chill Sleep Baby, about why protecting Mum’s sleep matters, how to find realistic pockets of rest when your baby isn’t sleeping through, and why “sleep when the baby sleeps” isn’t always the helpful advice it’s made out to be. From accepting help to letting go of the pressure to do everything, Rosey shares practical ways new mums can look after themselves, too.
Rosey Davidson, founder of Just Chill Sleep Baby, shares practical advice for protecting your sleep, accepting help and coping with those exhausting newborn nights.
We spend so much time talking about getting babies to sleep, but what about Mum? Why is protecting your own sleep so important in those early weeks and months?
We focus so much on how much sleep the baby is getting that we sometimes forget there is another human being in this equation! Sleep is a basic biological need for mums too. Those early weeks can be incredibly demanding physically and emotionally, particularly when you’re recovering from birth, feeding a baby and adjusting to a completely new way of life.
Of course, some disrupted sleep is inevitable with a newborn, but that doesn’t mean a mum’s exhaustion should simply be dismissed as “part of motherhood”. Her sleep and wellbeing matter too. We need to look after the person looking after the baby.
Is “sleep when the baby sleeps” actually good advice, or is it time we rethought it?
I think it’s well-intentioned advice that can sometimes be incredibly annoying! Babies don’t necessarily sleep at times when you’re able to sleep. You may have other children, you might need to eat or shower, or you might simply want half an hour where nobody needs anything from you.
I’d change it to: rest when you can. Sometimes that might mean sleeping, but it could also mean lying on the sofa, cancelling plans, leaving the washing or letting somebody else make dinner. Rest doesn’t only count if you’re asleep.
For a mum who is running on empty, what are the most realistic ways she can get more rest when she can’t magically make her baby sleep through the night?
Don’t wait for the perfect eight-hour stretch because with a newborn that may not be realistic. Look at where you can protect pockets of sleep instead.
Could your partner take the baby for a couple of hours after an evening feed while you go to bed? Could somebody take the baby for a walk while you have an afternoon nap? If you’re combination or bottle feeding, can feeds be shared? Can someone else deal with the early morning while you get another hour?
And look at what can be removed from your plate. If somebody offers to help, give them the washing, cooking or school run rather than feeling you have to hand over the baby and start doing housework!
Why can it be so difficult to fall asleep when you finally get the chance, particularly when you know the next wake-up could be just around the corner?
Because being exhausted and being relaxed enough to sleep aren’t always the same thing. You can be absolutely shattered but still feel very alert, particularly when you’re listening out for a baby.
There’s also that horrible mental calculation of, “If I fall asleep now, I might get 45 minutes…” which puts enormous pressure on sleep. And the harder we try to make ourselves sleep, the more elusive sleep can become.
Rather than thinking, “I have to sleep NOW”, try to think, “I’m going to rest.” Taking away some of that pressure can actually make it easier for sleep to happen.
Should mums really be using every baby nap to catch up on sleep, or is there a better way to think about daytime rest?
Absolutely not. You don’t have to turn every baby nap into an opportunity to sleep. Sometimes you desperately need a nap; sometimes you’d rather eat lunch with two hands, watch television, shower or stare into space with a cup of tea!
I’d look at the whole day rather than individual naps. If you’ve had a particularly awful night, could you prioritise one nap period for proper rest and use the others however you want? Rest shouldn’t become another thing mums feel they’re failing at.
6. How can partners and family help a new mum get more sleep, particularly if she’s breastfeeding and doing the night feeds?
Breastfeeding doesn’t mean one person has to do absolutely everything overnight. A partner can bring the baby to Mum, change nappies when needed, settle the baby afterwards and take responsibility for everything around the feed.
They can also protect sleep at other points in the day. For example, after an early morning feed, a partner might take the baby downstairs for an hour or two.
And one of the best things family members can do is take over everything that isn’t feeding the baby. Bring food. Put a wash on. Entertain older children. Don’t arrive at the house expecting a sleep-deprived new mum to make you a cup of tea!
There can be so much guilt around asking someone else to take the baby so you can sleep. What would you say to a mum who feels she should be able to cope on her own?
I’d ask her why she thinks she’s supposed to do it alone. For most of human history, babies have been raised with other people around. This idea that one exhausted woman should be able to feed a baby, settle them, run a house, look after other children and somehow remain completely fine is unrealistic.
Accepting help isn’t failing at motherhood. If somebody you trust can safely look after your baby while you get some much-needed sleep, let them.
What small things can mums do during the day to support their own sleep and wellbeing, even when nights are still very broken?
Get outside and get some daylight, particularly earlier in the day. Eat properly and regularly, stay hydrated and try to move your body gently if and when you feel ready and you’ve been medically cleared to do so.
Be mindful of relying on huge amounts of caffeine to get through the day, particularly later on, because it can then make it harder to sleep when you finally get the opportunity.
Most importantly, lower your expectations. The newborn stage isn’t the time for a perfectly tidy house, an overflowing social calendar and trying to “bounce back”. Sometimes doing less is one of the most useful things you can do.
How important is it to focus on the quality of the sleep you are getting, rather than simply counting the hours?
Both matter, but sleep isn’t just a numbers game. Eight hours of very fragmented sleep isn’t necessarily going to feel the same as a consolidated stretch.
With a newborn, we often can’t control how frequently they wake, so it can be more helpful to think about whether there are opportunities to protect a longer stretch of uninterrupted sleep for Mum. Even occasionally getting a more consolidated block can feel very different from being woken repeatedly throughout the night.
Are there any common things exhausted new mums do in an attempt to get more sleep that can actually make things harder?
Putting enormous pressure on themselves to sleep is a big one. Watching the clock and calculating exactly how many minutes you have until the baby “should” wake can make you more anxious about falling asleep.
Another is using lots of caffeine to survive the day and then finding it difficult to switch off later.
And I’d be very cautious about becoming desperate enough to compromise on safer sleep. Extreme tiredness can make it easier to accidentally fall asleep somewhere you hadn’t intended to, such as while sitting on the sofa with your baby. It’s worth thinking ahead about safer sleep and asking for help before you’re at that level of exhaustion.
When does normal new-parent exhaustion become “I really need some more support” exhaustion and what should mums do if they reach that point?
There’s no prize for reaching a particular level of exhaustion before you’re “allowed” to ask for help. If you’re struggling to function, feeling unable to cope, regularly falling asleep unintentionally, or your mood or anxiety is worrying you, please tell somebody.
That might be your partner or family initially, but speak to your GP, midwife or health visitor too. Postnatal mental health matters enormously, and persistent difficulty sleeping can also be something worth discussing with a healthcare professional – particularly if you can’t sleep even when your baby is asleep and you have the opportunity.
You don’t need to wait until you’re at breaking point to deserve support.
If you could give every new mum one piece of advice about looking after herself and her sleep during the newborn stage, what would it be?
Don’t try to be the person who does everything.
Your baby needs you, but that doesn’t mean your needs suddenly stop mattering. Let people look after you too. Accept the meal. Hand over the washing. Let your partner take the baby. Go to bed at 8pm if that’s what you need.
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