Author, Podcaster and Creator Cat Sims on how to recognise mum burnout aka Depleted Mother Syndrome

Mum burnout (or Depleted Mother Syndrome) is something I’ve only recently heard formalised as an actual ‘thing’ but is something I’ve been struggling with since my children splashed down earthside.

Mum burnout is a recognised state of emotional, physical, and mental depletion when the mental and physical load of being a mother, a wife, an employee, a taxi service, a nurse and a therapist gets too much. It’s the painful culmination of years of running on empty, of giving everything and getting little in return, of cooking food that is sneered at, of running everywhere and still being late, of sacrificing sleep for an hour of peace, of negotiating arguments, managing everyone’s schedules, remembering to take the bins out and getting the big food shop done. It is the inevitable crash landing for women who bear the weight of the mental and physical load of ‘adulting’ with little support.

According to a study published in Clinical Psychological Science, parental burnout is characterised by three key symptoms: emotional exhaustion, emotional distancing and parental inefficacy. In layman’s terms: feeling knackered, totally unable to give a shit, and beating yourself up for it. Don’t die of shock but a study from the University of Louvain in Belgium estimates that up to 14% of parents experience burnout with mothers being disproportionately affected. Why? Well, I’m bored of saying it, but the double standard that defines the perfect mum versus the perfect dad is mind-blowing and rage-inducing. A mum takes their kids to the park and takes a minute to answer an email or scroll through Instagram on her phone is an inattentive, disengaged mum. A dad who does the same thing? You can practically hear the little old ladies cooing, “Oh look at him. Isn’t he a good dad!”

A study in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that societal pressure to be a ‘supermum’ leads to stress and self-criticism. I call this the perfectionist parenting trap and the pressure to be a perfect mum is the tip of the iceberg. Women must also be the perfect wife, friend, worker, family member. And, unless they enjoy being judged, they must have the perfect body and a face that dare not show its age. Eschew this impossible standard and you’re lazy or you’ve let yourself go.

Then, there’s the biggest contributing factor to mum burnout: a total lack of support from the people we live with and work for and the people who run the country. A 2021 study by Motherly reported that 93% of mothers felt burned out and that this was exacerbated by insufficient partner or community support. That’s a resounding cry for help if ever I heard one. Add to both those things a work-life imbalance, the financial childcare conundrum, sleep deprivation and almost no time to yourself it’s not surprising that mothers are suffering severe mental health issues as a result of, well, mothering.

Anxiety, depression, reduced parenting quality, inability to be present and an increased risk of parental neglect or harm are common amongst those burning out. I don’t need to research those things to know they are true. I’ve documented my struggle with motherhood vividly on my social platforms because I know the intense comfort that others get from hearing someone else tell their story back to them. It’s the comfort and the relief of knowing you’re not the only one.

It’s only in the last two years, that I’ve been able to reclaim my sense of self, set boundaries and ask for help. It took a lot of therapy, hard work and a commitment to a sober life. To this day, I have to consciously check in with my body and my mental health daily and get honest about what and how I’m feeling. Failing to do that can lead me down a path of gradual decline until I’m burnt out all over again.

At times, it’s affected my marriage and my relationship with my kids. It’s corroded my self-confidence and self worth and, at its most acute, left me feeling not quite like I wanted to die, but like I’d be ok if I didn’t wake up in the morning. It’s real and while there’s still very little tailored support out there for mums, I think it’s helpful to name it, to describe it and to let as many mums as possible know that they’re not a crappy parent, they’re just a temporarily broken one.

Cat Sims is an Author, Podcaster and Creator. Her first book titled, ‘The first time you smiled (or was it just wind?)‘ is available on Amazon. A Hilarious, inclusive baby journal for parents with a sense of humour. Cat is in the process of writing her 2nd book which will be out later this year. 

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