Absolutely Mama Editor Carly Glendinning on what to say to someone experiencing baby loss
Baby loss is something I never imagined I’d face. No one does. It took me five years, multiple miscarriages, and many rounds of IVF before I finally had my daughter. It was a lonely, often soul-crushing time, sometimes made harder by well-meaning words of others.
If you’ve never been through it, it can be really hard to know what to say or do. But small things can make a huge difference (either in helping someone feel seen and supported, or in unintentionally causing more pain).
Here are a few things to keep in mind.
How to be a good friend to someone experiencing baby loss
1. Don’t minimise their feelings
Phrases like “it wasn’t meant to be” or “at least it happened early” might sound comforting, but to someone grieving, they can feel dismissive. Loss at any stage is still loss.
What to do instead: Listen. Acknowledge how hard, and unimaginably shit it is. Even saying, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m so sorry” can be more comforting than trying to explain the unexplainable.
2. Don’t offer unsolicited advice
After one of my losses, someone suggested I jump on a trampoline to “help the sperm get to their destination.” (True story!). Luckily I can laugh about it now, but at the time I really had to bite my tongue as it was beyond frustrating. Advice about treatments, fertility nutrition, or “what worked for my cousin’s friend” can feel overwhelming, and intrusive.
What to do instead: Hold space. Let your friend talk about their journey if and when they’re ready. A simple, “I’m here if you want to share” gives them control over how much they say.
3. Don’t assume they’ll ‘try again’
Sometimes people would ask when I’d be starting another IVF cycle, as if moving straight into the next attempt was a given. But after a loss, the idea of trying again can feel impossible, or even unwanted.
What to do instead: Respect their timeline. Support them in the here and now, without looking ahead unless they choose to. If they do share plans for the future, listen without judgment, or pressure.
4. Don’t make it about your story
It’s totally natural to want to connect by sharing your own experience or that of someone you know. But when you’re overwhelmed with grief, hearing about another person’s journey can feel like your pain is being overshadowed.
What to do instead: Keep the focus on them. Ask gentle, open-ended questions if they want to talk, or just sit with them in silence. Offer all the hugs!
5. Don’t avoid them
I was lucky that none of my friends shrank away from my baby losses. Grief can feel incredibly isolating, so silence can be as hurtful as clumsy comments.
What to do instead: Show up. Send a text, drop off a meal, write a card. Even a message as simple as, “Thinking of you” can mean so much. It’s not about perfect words, it’s about being there.
6. Don’t expect life to carry on as usual
When I was going through IVF and baby loss, there were a tonne of everyday things that often felt impossible. Nights out where I didn’t drink, family gatherings I couldn’t face, or juggling work and endless fertility appointments. What helped me most were the people who didn’t question it, didn’t make me feel guilty, and gave me the space I needed.
What to do instead: Offer patience in practical ways. Be the friend who gets it when your friend doesn’t feel like a night out, or can’t commit to a girls’ holiday. Be the boss who gives time off for appointments without question (I had a few of these and it meant so much!). These small acts of understanding can lift a giant weight off someone facing baby loss.
7. Don’t shut down when they open up
One of the hardest things for me was when I found the courage to talk about my losses, only to be met with silence, or a change of subject. When you’re already feeling vulnerable, it can feel crushing to sense that the other person doesn’t want to hear it.
What to do instead: Really listen. You don’t need to have the perfect response, just saying, “I’m so sorry, that must be so hard,” is enough.
Baby loss isn’t something you can fix with advice, or solutions. What makes a difference is kindness and patience. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can offer is lots of love, without any expectation, or judgement.
Read more tips and advice here
